Xander stepped quietly into the Summers' front foyer. He was looking for Buffy to relay a message from Giles about a demonic ritual to be performed on the Hellmouth that night. His jaw dropped when he heard the masculine voice from the kitchen.
"That's right, Slayer. You need to pull it while it's still soft. If it gets hard, it's too late."
"Don't be pushy, Spike. I want to enjoy this. It's so soft and warm. I want to enjoy how it feels between my fingers. In a way it''s theraputic."
Xander froze in his tracks. There was no way Buffy was talking to Spike about that... or doing that! Not when Joyce and Dawn could walk in at any minute. Xander shook his head, sure that his fears would be challenged with Spike and Buffy's next words.
"That's right, luv." Spike's voice purred with pleasure. "You don't want to stretch it out of shape. Bloody Hell, you have the perfect hands for this."
"You're not so bad yourself," Buffy cooed in return. "Decades of practice at this has made you sooo good."
Xander felt his feet turn to lead while his body froze in shock. Buffy was having sex with another vampire AND in Joyce's kitchen. Xander wasn't sure if he should confront the duo, bringing Buffy's wrath down on him, or go for reinforcements. This was something that the Scoobies needed to know right away.
"Now's the time to take it slow and gentle," Spike said softly. "If it becomes too hard, it'll break. Our fun will be ruined."
"I can see why vampire stamina and speed is so much better than normal. When I tried this with Riley, he fizzled out in thirty minutes."
Xander's jaw dropped. He thought Buffy had wanted normal and Riley. That's what she always said, anyway. Really, it wasn't like there weren't plenty of normal guys in Sunnydale. At least Xander hoped there were other normal guys in Sunnydale. Not that he'd know of course, being adrift in a sea of estrogen himself with only Giles as his sole testosterone sharing buddy. He took a step towards the kitchen.
"You know who we should ask to join us?" Buffy asked.
"Who?" The vampire's voice sounded strained.
"Anya. I bet she'd love this. Three people would be even more fun than just the two of us." Buffy answered sweetly. "I've been dying to get to know her better."
Xander blinked in confusion. Buffy and Anya? Together? Anya was cheating on him? With Buffy AND Spike? Well, Anya and Buffy sounded sexy together, but with him, not Spike. This was getting to be too much.
"Well, you're in for a nice surprise then."
Xander heard the back door open. He was shocked to hear his girlfriend's voice in the kitchen. What on Earth was going on around here?
"Hi, Buffy!" Anya chirped. "Spike said you needed someone with experience to round out your threesome. I told him, I was your gal!"
"It's just starting to get hard," Buffy said over Spike's moan of pleasure. "Would you like a taste? Spike's is the best ever. Even better than Riley's."
"Oh, yes!" Anya groaned enthusiastically. "Then, I'll taste yours, Buffy."
Xander couldn't take any more. There was no way his girlfriend was going to taste Spike's anything. He burst into the kitchen while he screamed, "Anya! No!"
Spike, Buffy, and Anya jumped in their seats, startled when Xander came through the kitchen door yelling at the top of his lungs. Anya had just greased up her hands to put them into the lukewarm taffy. She threw her hands in the air as if she was being robbed.
"Don't taste Spike's dick," Xander shouted. Then, he realized the others were fully dressed, sitting at the table, and looking at him as if he was insane.
"Why would I taste Spike's penis, Xander? Yours is perfectly adequate." Anya squinted her eyes while she tried to figure out what Xander was talking about.
"But... but... I heard," Xander stammered. "Soft... warm... hard... stamina." He took a step backwards.
"Well, yeah, you have to shape the taffy while it's soft and warm," Anya replied. She shoved her hands into the pan of candy, and she pulled some out to demonstrate.
"If it gets too hard, it won't take shape, and becomes brittle." Spike snorted. "Kinda like Peaches' hair." He was trying to be extra good that day. Buffy had promised him if he was nice to all her friends for a week, she'd have a big surprise for him. He really wanted his surprise. So, he didn't make any lewd comments, even though he was dying to.
"Spike's great at this," Buffy said as she smiled sweetly at her secret boyfriend. "He's got speed and stamina. Gotta love that in a vamp." She could see that Spike was trying really hard to be good in the face of such adversity.
"Oh, I'm sure Spike has speed and stamina for sex too, Buffy," Anya said brightly. She had seen the looks the Slayer and the vampire had given each other. Personally she'd thought they were a cute couple ever since Willow's botched spell the year before. "Vampires are considered some of the best lovers in the demon world." She gave the bleached blond vampire the once over. "And Spike likes you. So, he'd be loyal, too."
"Make me sound like a soddin' puppy, why don't you, demon girl." Spike gave Anya a good natured grin.
"Oh, you did that yourself, Spike," Buffy laughed. "You said you had been to the vet and couldn't play with the other puppies anymore. Besides, don't you come when I call?"
"Buffy!" Xander squeaked. "What did you say?"
"What?" Buffy gave Xander an innocent look. "Really, Xander, you need to get your mind out of the gutter."